People call it love — but is it really love? Let’s be honest: even if you call it love, it might not be healthy for you. On-and-off relationships, conflict avoidance, psychological abuse… none of these align with real love. Have you ever been told that you have to “suffer” or “give everything” for love? 

The truth is that childhood conditioning, trauma and society’s messages shape our perception of love. Only in adulthood do we begin to understand how destructive these patterns can be for our well-being. 

This article helps you recognize the difference between healthy and unhealthy love, so you can choose relationships that support your growth. 

What Is Healthy Love?

It feels calm, not chaotic

You can be present with your partner without constant anxiety. You won’t have to decode their words or actions. It’s not “good today, terrible tomorrow”. Healthy love brings emotional steadiness, not turbulence.

Mutual respect & equality

There is no insulting, shouting, violence, emotional abuse, control or manipulation. Both partners’ needs matter. Decisions are shared, not dictated.  There is equality, not dominance. 

Open communication

Problems are discussed instead of avoided. You work toward solutions that benefit both partners. Vulnerability is safe — not used for control or shame. There is constant and honest communication about needs, feelings and expectations. 

Boundaries are honored

Saying no is normal and respected. Neither partner is punished for having limits. Disagreements and personal space are welcomed and understood as part of a healthy connection. 

Consistency

Words match actions. Reliability builds trust and safety in the relationship. The balance between closeness and distance feels natural. Hot-and-cold behavior is not present, because it destroys connection.  

Emotional support

There’s no emotional unavailability. Your emotions matter. Your partner is present, listens actively and offers comfort. Partners uplifts each other, not drain each other.  

What Is Unhealthy Love?

Emotional chaos

It feels like a rollercoaster mistaken for passion. There’s a cycle of affection followed by put-downs. The inconsistency keeps you anxious, confused and unsure of where you stand. Words don’t match actions. There is no feeling of safety or reliability. 

Control, dominance, or inequality

One partner sets the tone of the entire relationship. Your autonomy slowly erodes. You are seen as “less” and your needs are dismissed or minimized. 

Fear-based communication

You are shamed or guilt-tripped for having basic human needs. So you begin to stay silent, avoid conflict and walk on eggshells to avoid triggering their moods. 

Violated boundaries

Saying “no” leads to punishment — rejection, anger or guilt. Your limits are ignored and you feel pressured to abandon them.

Emotional neglect

You feel alone in the presence of the other. There is a lack of support, empathy and connection. Your emotions are met with indifference or minimized. 

Why Many People Confuse Unhealthy Love With Healthy Love

It’s so easy to mistake the unhealthy love for healthy love, especially when you’ve never experienced the healthy version. Many people grew up believing that love equals chaos, tension and endless cycles of conflict followed by forgiveness. So calmness feels unfamiliar and chaos “normal”. 

You might also ask yourself: If this is toxic, why do I feel so bonded to this person? The answer lies in trauma bonds and the addictive cycle of highs and lows. This cycle makes leaving incredibly difficult —which is why so many people return. 

Another cause is that society and media reinforce this confusion. Cartoons, movies, books romanticize dysfunctional relationships: the woman who “fixes” the man; the bad boy who becomes good through her suffering; violence portrayed as passion; control seen as protection.

Low self-worth and fear of abandonment keep many people stuck. This is especially true for women who are influenced by patriarchal conditioning. For generations women were thought to tolerate destructive behavior to avoid being “too much“ or to not end up alone, especially when marriage was a matter of survival and financially dependence.  

The Role of Self-Awareness in Recognizing the Difference

Knowing yourself changes everything.

Self-awareness helps you:

• understand your attachment style
• notice patterns of self-abandonment
• recognize fear of vulnerability or overgiving
• reconnect with your inner voice and body’s signals

Your body tells you when something feels unsafe. You just need to learn to listen again. 

How to Move From Unhealthy Love to Healthy Love

Rebuilding your self-worth

You deserve reciprocity. Discover who you truly are and what you want — and don’t let anyone define that for you. Love is not something you have to compete for. Don’t convince someone to love you. Let go of  those who require you to prove your worth. 

Learning boundaries

Protect your heart, body and time —these are reserved for someone safe and loving. Establish emotional, physical, and time boundaries so your energy will be poured into people who truly value you. 

Healing emotional triggers

Your inner child still lives inside you and needs care. Reassure him that your adult self is there to protect him now. Journaling, therapy and expression through art strengthen your relationship with yourself. 

Choosing partners consciously

Look for emotional availability, stability and consistency. Know your needs, values and future vision and choose someone who aligns with them. 

Final Thoughts

We are human and it’s completely understandable why so many of us find ourself on the unhealthy end of love. Maybe if we stop calling it “love”, we’ll see it for what it is. Call it obsession, lust, addiction or a situationship. But we must stop calling “love” what hurts us. Real love doesn’t leave wounds. It meets you with safety, not fear. With calm, not chaos. With healing, not pain.