An intimate relationship can teach you a lot. It changes you, it reveals things you didn’t properly understand. It shows you your weaknesses and strengths. It points out to what you lack and need. It touches your wounds and you’re inner child will take control sometimes. And when the illusion fades and reality hits, you’ll face the human nature, beautiful and messy as it can be.

1. ACCOUNTABILITY. It’s important to take responsibility for your choices and their consequences. We make mistakes and we should admit that. We struggle with things in life and we don’t always choose what’s right. So statements like: “He made me do that” and “I am the victim here” is not helping you to grow. Being aware of your own patterns helps you know your struggles and it shows you where you need improvement. 
2. COMMUNICATION. Poor communication and unspoken needs will only cause resentment and misunderstanding. It’s better to say things straight on then to keep things inside for too long. Tension builds up eventually and choosing to stay silent when it matters to you is self-abandonment. The way a conflict is managed reveals if the relationship is a safe and healthy one. Words are important, but don’t forget that actions speak louder. Both can show you who a person is and how he feels about you.  
3. LOVE LANGUAGE. Know which are the ways that make you feel appreciated and be transparent about them with your partner and vice versa. We have different needs and expectations in a relationship. It’s better to express them than to wait on the other person to act the way we need and then be frustrated when that doesn’t happen.  
4. TRIGGERS AND CHILDHOOD. The other person will inevitably trigger you in some way. There are fears from childhood that can resurface in a vulnerable dynamic. It’s all about being willing to understand the reaction, make changes and communicate effectively so that repair will be possible after a fight. Attention: childhood trauma is not an excuse for abusive behavior and disrespect. 
5. BOUNDARIES. Boundaries are there for a reason, to respect yourself and protect your peace. Self-esteem and self-love means you have boundaries for yourself and for the other. Constantly breaking your boundaries is self-abandonment and it’ll make you feel miserable in the end. 
6. VALUES. Make choices based on your values. The things you like or want are there for you to take them into consideration. If something is unacceptable or inappropriate say it and take action. Living in alignment with your values is the key for not losing yourself in a relationship. You have to be willing to exit it if your values are not respected by the other person or even by you. 
7. GUT. Trust it. It’s there to guide you, it’s trying to tell you something. When it doesn’t feel right and it makes you feel exhausted or depressed, then give it some thought. If you’re constantly feeling like that is not who you are or really want, then that is the truth. Follow that and honor it. There is a lot of tension in your body around a person, maybe it’s a message. It’s the body’s wisdom and it catches things your mind is still processing. Your nervous system will feel calm near people that care about you. 
8. WELL-BEING. If the relationship is not adding happiness to your life, but it’s taking away your peace of mind, self-esteem, dignity and energy, it’s time to ask yourself if it’s worth it. Have a final conversation with the other and if there’s no willingness to work on it then let it go. It’s for your good and you deserve to be happy. 
9. ABUSE. Never stay after being disrespected and told that your needs are too much. Don’t tolerate abusive behavior just because it’s not in a violent way. Someone speaking with you in an unhealthy way, shouting at you, making you feel small, minimizing your emotions and experiences, feeling entitled to you, telling you to shut up and using sarcasm or joke as a pretext to insult you it’s called emotional abuse. Your mental-health is in danger around people with these patterns. 
10. END. An unhealthy relationship doesn’t need another chance. When the bare minimum is too much for the other person and respect doesn’t exist. You don’t wait for someone to change or feel sorry for it after he repeatedly mistreated you. You reinforce your boundaries and close the door. You cut the access, you detach emotionally and protect yourself. The sooner you do it, the less painful it is. 
11. GROWTH. Know yourself before getting to know the other. Read and listen to podcasts about psychology and self-improvement. Meditate, write a journal, invest in your knowledge. Meet your needs, do the inner child work, accept your past and be committed to growth. Learn from your mistakes and take ownership of your life. Love yourself and build your self-esteem so strong that when a person is not right for you, you’ll have the strength to let it go at the first signs and never go back.

Relationships come with challenges and you’ll have to cooperate with another human that is different than you. BUT it should never feel heavy and empty, making you feel like you don’ t matter. It should always come together with respect, emotional availability, understanding and joy. Don’t settle for less than that.