How life’s biggest moments impact us without determining who we become

Who am I? Who am I without my family, my achievements, my relationships or my job? And if all of those things disappeared tomorrow, what would remain? Our identity is shaped by the experiences we’ve lived through, the people we’ve loved, and the losses we’ve endured. But should we let those experiences define who we are?

We are born without being conscious of our identity. Then we learn that we have a name and that our life is measured by years. We’re someone’s son or daughter.

Later we’re known for our results in school and then by who we marry and the career we choose.

As an adult there’s a time when you ask yourself: “Who am I without all of this?” When we’re young we’re trying to discover who we are by experiencing new things.

It doesn’t happen overnight and there’s no easy way to do it. Somehow what teaches us who we are is failure and pain.

There are three defining experiences that makes us question and build our sense of self.

Health issues

During your teenage years you think you’re full of life and you don’t worry about your health. The moment we find ourselves in a hospital room we get to know what pain, uncertainty and fear feels like.

Your life can change in a minute and you won’t be able to move freely anymore. You feel like a prisoner in your own body and isolated because now you’re different.

You’re forced to ask who you are when you can’t do the things that once defined you.

But the beauty of it is that you start to reflect about the meaning of life and despite all of it you still find joy in the small things.

You’re amazed by the sunset, you walk looking at the moon, you feel closer to the nature and even in the midst of pain you find an unearthly peace inside.

Grief

We start to understand that life is something we won’t have forever. We see how things change, people leave and those we love are taken away from us by death.

When that call comes there’s nothing that can prepare you for that kind of pain. Especially as a child, we can’t fully process that fact that someone who was just here with us it’s gone and we’ll never see them again.

Loss makes us realize there’s an end and that we’re going to loose people and things in life. So you have to adapt your identity to who you are without them.

Failed relationships

This is another type of grief we experience. It can be your parents’ relationship that ended and influenced how you perceive life and relationships (more on this topic here – 5 TIPS ON HOW TO SURVIVE THE TRAUMA OF PARENTS ’ DIVORCE).

You grieve the lack of a happy ending and that your parents’ experiences couldn’t show you what a healthy relationship looks like.

And then there are your own experiences with intimate relationships. I think the most impactful one is the first experience, when you step into it with hope and excitement. Little do we know at that time that a successful relationship needs more than that.

The first intimate experience changes you a lot. Your self image changes and you might do things you never thought you would do before.

The failures say something about us, about the way we’re used to experience closeness and how we understand love. When a relationship ends we’re faced with our choices, their consequences and our mistakes.

In order to move forward we have to reflect on it and work on our perception of ourselves. This is the moment people make some significant changes to cope with the aftermath of a relationship.

Reflections

In a failed relationship you don’t just lose a person or feelings, you also lose a version of yourself you’ll never be again. There are things you’ll never get back.

In fact, relationships change us the most and if there wouldn’t have been mistakes we would have never learned who we are and what we really want.

When things don’t work out you know what will work out for you next time. When something makes you feel miserable you’ll know that it is not for you. If you tried to be someone and it felt heavy then you know that’s not who you want to be.

I’ve read a lot of books about relationships and heard a lot of advices but that could’t protect me from failure. Experiencing a relationship taught me what words could never taught me.

Final thoughts

Pain is one of life’s greatest teachers because it forces us to confront parts of ourselves we might otherwise ignore.

It would be ideal to make the right choices and avoid pain, but that’s not how life works.

Through pain, the lessons are so strongly carved into your heart and mind that you’ll do anything to prevent the same mistakes from happening again.

That’s how you learn to choose yourself and create an inner self that’s not dependent on another person or a thing.

We spend much of our lives collecting labels: daughter, student, employee, partner, successful, unsuccessful. But labels are only descriptions of our circumstances, they are not who we really are.

Health issues, grief, and relationships can profoundly shape our identity. They change the way we see ourselves and the world around us. But they do not define who we are.

We are more than our experiences, more than our losses, and more than the labels attached to us.

Identity isn’t something we inherit. It isn’t something another person gives us. It’s something we build, choice by choice, after life breaks apart the versions of ourselves that no longer fit.

Don’t let someone else’s definition become the limits of your own life.